Barry grew up in an active, engaged Jewish home. His family belongs to a Reform congregation where his parents have held leadership positions. Barry and his siblings went to religious school through Confirmation and Barry was in the youth group. In his last year of college, Barry met and fell in love with Nancy, a Christian Asian American. Their relationship grew stronger over the years. Nancy joined his family for Seders and, when schedules allowed, for other holidays. Nancy didn’t feel attached to her religion but she did celebrate Christmas and Easter with her family. Her parents were devout and attended church regularly.
As their relationship deepened and turned towards marriage, Barry and Nancy talked about religion. It was very important for Barry to have Jewish children. Nancy felt that out of respect for her parents she could not convert, but she respected Jewish teachings and was happy to raise their children as Jews.
Barry and Nancy’s story is well known to us. If intermarriage is not part of our immediate families, it is certainly close to us. But intermarriage is not new, it is as old as the Jewish people itself. We need only open the Torah to Bereshit, the Book of Genesis. Joseph marries Asenath, daughter of an Egyptian priest. Moses, the greatest of all prophets, marries Tziporah, a Midianite. The only intermarriages the Torah specifically forbids are with the 7 Canaanite nations, for fears that they would lead the Israelites astray to idolatry (Deut. 7:3).
There was another group of people mentioned in the Torah, the gerim, the strangers who chose to live among the Israelites and followed their laws. The Torah commands: “the strangers who reside with you shall be to you as your citizens; you shall love them as yourself for you were strangers in the land of Egypt…” (Lev 19:34). We read in Deuteronomy that the strangers are to be included in the future public reading of Torah “that they may hear and so learn to revere the Eternal your God and to observe faithfully every word of this Teaching. (Deut. 31:12). Now, this was a time before any formal process of conversion existed and these strangers were welcomed in. Nothing is said with regard to marrying gerim, but it’s hard to imagine that such marriages didn’t occur.
As Judaism developed amid occupation by foreign nations, some of whom sought to control by religious coercion, the community understandably turned inward, concerned especially about self-preservation and intermarriage became taboo. We see this in the writings of Ezra the priest and scribe, who led the people upon their return from exile in Babylonia at the end of the 6th century BCE. While living in Babylonia, many men had intermarried. Ezra commands them to cast off their foreign wives and their children, and the people agreed.
While the leadership may have been fearful of intermarriage, the people were not. The populace’s response to the harshness of Ezra’s decree came in the form of the beloved folktale of Ruth, the Moabite daughter-in-law of Naomi who pledges her loyalty to Naomi, to her people and to her God. She cares for Naomi after their husbands died and ultimately remarries and gives birth to a son. The book concludes with the revelation that Ruth’s son is a progenitor of King David, from whose line the Messiah is destined to come. All of this is more powerful because of the Torah’s prohibition against Moabites, a former enemy nation, becoming part of the Israelite community, even in the tenth generation!
The intermixing that occurred in Babylonia became unheard of through the centuries of persecution that followed that kept the Jewish people isolated and apart. With the age of enlightenment and modernity, Jews in Western Europe were given the opportunity of citizenship for the first time. Some chose complete assimilation, often through intermarriage. The roots of Reform Judaism were sown then and later in America with the radical notion that one could be both Jewish and a citizen of the country in which you dwelt. It would take a few more centuries before the doors of society would really open to Jews, giving us the opportunity to attend any university, enter any profession, and live in diverse communities.
With these privileges and acceptance, the rates of intermarriage among American Jews began to rise, slowly at first. By the latter decades of the 20th century, those figures soared. Before 1970, 13 percent of Jews intermarried. By 1990, it was 43% and by 2001, 47%.[i] Parents threatening to sit shiva or refusing to attend a child’s wedding would not change the hearts of young love. Intermarriage became a reality, an outgrowth of our success and integration in American society.
In 1978 the visionary President of the Reform Movement, Rabbi Alexander Schindler, established the Reform Jewish Outreach program “predicated on the assumption that intermarriage will remain a reality of American Jewish life, that, far from diminishing, the rate of intermarriage is likely to increase, and that, in consequence, the better part of wisdom is not to reject the intermarried, but rather to love them all the more, to do everything we humanly can to draw them closer to us and to involve them in Jewish life.” [ii]
Schindler taught us that a young person’s choice of a mate did not have to be seen as a rejection of their Judaism. If we would welcome such couples into our synagogues, we could support them in having a Jewish home and raising Jewish children. Thirty plus years later, we see how prescient he was. The Pew Research Center report, Jewish Americans in 2020, found that among Jews who had married since 2010, 61% were intermarried. Fully 42% of all married Jewish respondents indicated they had a non-Jewish spouse.
The report also indicates that endogamous Jewish marriages have a much higher rate of raising Jewish children. Only 28% of Jews married to non-Jews are raising their children Jewish.[iii] Certainly, with all of the challenges that two adults face when marrying and raising children, being a unified family in terms of religion, including extended families, can make life simpler, especially for children as they formulate their own identities.
But people are more than statistics. Over my 35 years in the rabbinate, I’ve seen numerous interfaith families raise educated, committed Jews. I accepted some of those adult children into the rabbinical program at HUC-JIR when I was a Rabbinical Program Director. We certainly know them well here at Vassar Temple; they are part of our temple family, even leaders in our community. Today, almost 50% of the families with children in our religious school are intermarried.
Once they had children, Barry and Nancy joined a synagogue. They brought their children to Tot Shabbat and later enrolled them in religious school. They attended family services and got involved in the synagogue’s group for young families. Nancy helped organize activities; she joined the religious school committee.
In synagogues where interfaith families are welcome, the active involvement of both parents in the life of the synagogue has been encouraged. Where this has been successful, a new phenomenon occurred: in many cases, the non-Jewish partner like Nancy, also became engaged in synagogue life.
Over time, synagogues found themselves encountering situations they had never anticipated: would Nancy light the candles at Friday night services when her son becomes Bar Mitzvah, as other mothers do? What would her role be during the Bar Mitzvah service? Could she only be a silent observer? What are the appropriate boundaries? Where should distinctions be made between Jews and their non-Jewish spouses?
The Commission on Reform Jewish Outreach created resources for congregations to help them set policies that would address these questions in ways that would fit their unique identities and communities. Such policies are needed for a number of reasons. First, it is welcoming to let people know the ways that they can be involved and participate; otherwise, they are left in the dark, fearful of doing something wrong. By setting policies, we move away from making decisions on a case-by-case basis, where one family can be treated differently from another. The non-Jews in our congregations, aside from bringing us their children, may have wonderful gifts to share, skills and talents, new perspectives and creative ideas that can only strengthen congregations, when we find positive ways to engage them.
I learned upon my arrival here that Vassar Temple had not gone through a formal process to determine ways in which non-Jews could be engaged in the synagogue. The membership policy in the by-laws was changed at some point to open temple membership to “Any person or persons of the Jewish faith, or any person seeking to be associated with those upholding the Jewish faith.” In terms of governance, the leadership positions of board members or officers are limited to Jews. Matters of ritual are not included in the by-laws and, for the most part, have been left to the discretion of the rabbi.
While I believe that certain aspects of ritual, such as marriage officiation, ought to be completely under rabbinic discretion, I feel that congregational ritual policies should be developed by the rabbi in partnership with the lay leadership. Past president Susan Karnes Hecht had been anxious to get such a process started here and brought to the Board a resolution to approve the formation of a Jewish Adjacent Task Force to “develop a coherent policy that reflects the Reform vision along with Vassar Temple history and practice, through a process of learning and discussion.” The Task Force was charged with developing guidelines in the areas of membership, ritual, and governance to propose to the Board. Where those guidelines might include changes to the by-laws, codified processes would be followed.
The expression “Jewish Adjacent” is a relatively new term, developed, I think by the Reform movement to be a more welcoming way to refer to someone who is not Jewish, defining someone in a positive way, rather than by what they are not. Even so, one of the first things that the Task Force did was reject that term, feeling that it was too cold and distant. We came up with the expression “Jewish Connected” and defined it as “someone who is or was related to a Jewish person through marriage or partnership, supporting a Jewish home.”
The Task Force is composed of broad representation of the congregation, including the continuum of Jewish choices: Jews married to Jews, Jews married to the Jewish Connected, Jews by choice and the Jewish Connected. We have been meeting just about monthly for almost two years, using exercises from the Outreach Commission’s resources, Reform responsa and essays from leading Reform thinkers to guide our discussions, which began with a grounding in the purposes of the synagogue and the values it seeks to transmit. As you might imagine, we have engaged in some very challenging discussions. As trust grew among the members, people felt empowered to express very deep feelings. I continue to be so impressed by this group, their thoughtfulness and respect for one another. We all stretched and struggled, me included, and ultimately were able to present our first set of guidelines, ones that we could all support, even if they didn’t meet everyone’s ideals.
We chose to address ritual first. To be clear, people are free to participate in the congregation in any way that they are comfortable. Our task was to determine the appropriate participation of the Jewish Connected on the bema, such as for lay led services or honors, like lighting candles. It goes without saying that these would be options available to those Jewish Connected who might to desire to participate.
We began with study, learning about the various types of prayers, discussing both their literal and symbolic meanings. We discovered that the majority of the prayers are not really particularistic in nature and could be said by anyone. Even a prayer asking God to bring peace upon Israel can be said by someone who isn’t Jewish.
The challenges arose around the two most particularistic elements of the service which are also typically given out as honors.
The first are rituals such as lighting candles or leading kiddush, the blessing of which includes the phrase asher kidshanu b’mitvotav v’tzivanu, “who has sanctified us through commandments, commanding us to…..” Most of the Task Force had never really considered the actual words of the blessings which led to rather intense discussions on what that sense of being commanded means and how a Jewish Connected person might feel commanded. We also discussed the symbolic meaning of these rituals. When a mother lights candles on the Shabbat of her daughter’s Bat Mitzvah service, it means more than just welcoming Shabbat. Can one who is not Jewish, but who celebrates Shabbat in her home and, in this case, has raised a Jewish child, say those words before the congregation?
The other major area of challenge was the rituals around Torah: carrying Torah in a Hakafah, reciting the blessing of the Aliyah, lifting and dressing Torah. Torah is the unique possession of the Jewish people and, perhaps, the most particularistic of our symbols. The language of the Torah blessing, asher bachar banu m’kol ha’amim, “who has chosen us from among all peoples” is an affirmation that one is part of the Jewish people. The other rituals, carrying, lifting and dressing, while they have no liturgy associated with them, have been seen as part of the Torah ritual, also affirming its centrality and one’s connection to it. In addition, participating in the Torah service has been viewed as among the highest honors given out in a congregation.
And yet, our understanding of rituals and their symbolic meaning has changed over time. Vassar Temple has moved well beyond the traditional format for the aliyot, for example. We have group aliyot during these Holy Days, honoring all of those who have volunteered and served in different ways in the congregation. Shall we exclude the Jewish Connected who are among those volunteers?
We discussed the unique place of the Jewish Connected at Vassar Temple. Like the biblical stranger, the ger, who dwelt among the Israelites, today’s Jewish Connected person has a unique status because they have chosen to be part of a Jewish home and members of our congregation. Therefore, the Task Force concluded that there should be a different status for the Jewish Connected when it comes to rituals as well. We recommended that Jewish Connected individuals be “welcome to receive “non-textual” honors during a service such as opening the ark doors, carrying the Torah for the hakafah, lifting the Torah and dressing the Torah after it is read.” Opening the ark is an honor that we already offer to anyone, including non-Jewish relatives of the B’nei Mitzvah families. In as much as the Jewish Connected do have a connection to Torah and do bring honor to the Torah through their commitment to a Jewish home, the Task Force concluded that these honors around Torah — bringing Torah into the congregation, raising it so that all could see its words, and helping to dress after it is read – could rightfully be expanded to include the Jewish Connected.
Because the language of the aliyah, along with the language of blessings such as that of lighting candles, most clearly identifies the person reciting the words as part of the Jewish people, the Task Force concluded that it would not be appropriate for the Jewish Connected to say those words alone. Rather, they proposed the following: “In as much as a Jewish Connected person is such through a relationship, such an individual may take part in such prayers together with a Jewish partner.” Depending on their comfort level, the Jewish Connected person could also choose just to stand with their partner or read an alternative prayer in English recommended by the rabbi.
This policy would also apply to B’nei Mitzvah services. One of the unique features of B’nei Mitzvah services in many congregations, including ours, is the passing of Torah from generation to generation within the family. Over the years, I have come to appreciate that Jewish Connected parents who commit to raising Jewish children and support their children’s Jewish education, that such parents are, indeed, passing Torah to the next generation even if they were not raised with it. So, I have invited Jewish Connected parents to be part of this ceremony, even as I indicate their unique role.
We recognize that these ritual changes, especially around Torah, may be jarring for many of us who grew up being told that non-Jews shouldn’t touch the Torah. In reality, however, there is nothing wrong with someone who is not Jewish touching or holding a Torah scroll as Maimonides taught, “[Even] those who are not ritually fit, may take hold of a Torah and read from it, for a Torah cannot become ritually unfit.[iv]
It is only in relatively recent Jewish history that rituals around Torah were opened to women within liberal Judaism. Many of the same arguments would have been used in opposition to this change as they still are in orthodox circles. Just as women’s inclusion has not diminished the power of Torah in any way but has added to it, I hope that people will not feel that these honors are being diminished in any way because we have again expanded the net of those eligible for them. I hope that we can view the Jewish Connected who are engaged in the life of the synagogue as living Torah in ways that add to these rituals and do not detract from them.
People have many reasons why, even if they are not actively practicing another faith, that they are not prepared to take on the identity of Judaism for themselves, even as they support Judaism in their home and, like the biblical gerim, participate in many aspects of it with great respect and affinity. I fully respect their choices and as a Jewish people we owe them a tremendous debt of gratitude for raising Jewish children and supporting the future of the Jewish people. Sometimes, even after many years of living as a Jewish Connected person, someone does decide to become Jewish. In my experience, such a choice does not come about out of a desire to participate in certain rituals or take on particular leadership positions. It happens because it feels right for that person to take on this identity. Our commitment to a Jewish future calls upon us to enable Jewish choices in a variety of contexts.
This process has been a journey for me. I ended up in a different place from where I was when I led this process with my former congregation 20 years ago. Changes in Jewish life that I have witnessed throughout my rabbinate and my personal connections with such families have moved me to change my positions. The constant is my belief that that I am acting in ways that I believe will best serve the Jewish people and ensure our future.
Nonetheless, I do believe there is a difference between the Jewish Connected and a Jew. I think the Task Force has reached a very creative solution that reflects our desire to include the Jewish Connected while respecting this difference.
I presented the recommended guidelines from the Task Force to the board at its April meeting. After a couple of months of discussion and reflection, they were passed at the July meeting – not unanimously, but by a strong majority. We will be sharing these guidelines more broadly with the congregation in the weeks to come. The work of the Task Force continues as we move on to the area of governance.
To conclude my remarks this morning, I would like to invite the Jewish Connected who are here to join me at the ark, as I offer a blessing for them, in recognition of the blessing that they are to this community, to their families and to the Jewish people.
Blessing at Ark[v]:
May the one who blessed our ancestors and their families,
whose actions strengthened the Jewish People,
bless each one of you.
Like our Biblical ancestors –
Yitro, Moses’ father-in-law, who gave sound advice on leading the people;
Ruth and Orpah, who married Jewish men
and stood by their mother-in-law, Naomi,
even when her sons had tragically died;
Zipporah, Moses’ wife
whose action in the wilderness of circumcising her son
ensured that they would remain a part of the covenant –
you too have responded to the call.
We now bless you for saying “yes.”
We are inspired by you for giving of yourself to the Jewish community.
We are inspired by you for helping your children to be proud Jews.
At a time when so many forces are tearing apart the Jewish people,
we bless you for building up the Jewish people.
(Priestly Blessing)
[i] https://www.nytimes.com/2003/09/11/us/survey-finds-slight-rise-in-jews-intermarrying.html
[ii] Rabbi Alexander M. Schindler, Preface, Defining the Role of the Non-Jews in the Synagogue: A Resource for Congregations, published by the Commission on Reform Jewish Outreach, 1990].
[iii] https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2021/05/11/marriage-families-and-children/
[iv] Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Tefillin 10:8
[v] Adapted from For Sacred Moments: The CCAR Life-Cycle Manual, CCAR, 2015
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